OOoooOOOo This is some great stuff, keep it up.. im LMFAO over here...
I dunno any jokes sorry :/
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30 posts • Page 2 of 2 • 1, 2
by WhaTisGosu on Mon Mar 27, 2006 11:40 pm
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by wuffie on Thu Mar 30, 2006 6:46 pm
A Kiwi walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies:
"I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."
The man says: " I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies:
"I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."
The man says: " I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."
no, that means I fit around you and you fit in me.
Im pretty sure she was talking about Hug's ^^
-_Minulla on finni perseessä_-
- wuffie
- Contributer
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- Joined: Tue Mar 14, 2006 11:16 pm
by womack on Tue Apr 04, 2006 10:04 pm
if Architects Had To Work Like Programmers...
Dear Mr. Architect:
Please design and build me a house. I am not quite sure of what I need, so you should use your discretion.
My house should have between two and forty-five bedrooms. Just make sure the plans are such that the bedrooms can be easily added or deleted. When you bring the blueprints to me, I will make the final decision of what I want. Also, bring me the cost breakdowns for each configuration so that I can arbitrarily pick one at a later time.
Keep in mind that the house I ultimately choose must cost less than the one I am currently living in. Make sure, however, that you correct all the deficiencies that exist in my current house (the floor of my kitchen vibrates when I walk across it, and the walls don't have nearly enough insulation in them).
As you design, also keep in mind that I want to keep yearly maintenance costs as low as possible. This should mean the incorporation of extra-cost features like aluminum, vinyl, or composite siding. (If you choose not to specify aluminum, be prepared to explain your decision in detail.)
Please take care that modern design practices and the latest materials are used in construction of the house, as I want it to be a showplace for the most up-to-date ideas and methods. Be alerted, however, that kitchen should be designed to accommodate (among other things) my 1952 Gibson refrigerator.
To assure that you are building the correct house for our entire family, you will need to contact each of my children, and also our in-laws. My mother-in-law will have very strong feelings about how the house should be designed, since she visits us at least once a year. Make sure that you weigh all of theses options carefully and come to the right decision. I, however, retain the right to overrule any decisions that you make.
Please don't bother me with small details right now. Your job is to develop the overall plans for the house and get the big picture. At this time, for example, it is not appropriate to be choosing the color of the carpeting. However, keep in mind that my wife likes blue.
Also, do not worry at this time about acquiring the resources to build the house itself. Your first priority is to develop detailed plans and specifications. Once I approve these plans, however, I would expect the house to be under roof within 48 hours.
While you are designing this house specifically for me, keep in mind that sooner or later I will have to sell it to someone else. It therefore should have appeal to a wide variety of potential buyers. Please make sure before you finalize the plans that there is a consensus of the potential homebuyers in my area that they like the features this house has.
I advise you to run up and look at the house my neighbor built last year, as we like it a great deal. It has many things that we feel we also need in our new home, particularly the 75-foot swimming pool. With careful engineering, I believe that you can design this into our new house without impacting the construction cost.
Please prepare a complete set of blueprints. It is not necessary at this time to do the real design, since they will be used only for construction bids. Be advised, however, that you will be held accountable for any increase of construction costs as a result of later design changes.
You must be thrilled to be working on as an interesting project as this! To be able to use the latest techniques and materials and to be given such freedom in your designs is something that can't happen very often. Contact me as soon as possible with your ideas and completed plans.
PS: My wife has just told me that she disagrees with many of the instructions I've given you in this letter. As architect, it is your responsibility to resolve these differences. I have tried in the past and have been unable to accomplish this. If you can't handle this responsibility, I will have to find another architect.
PPS: Perhaps what I need is not a house at all, but a travel trailer. Please advise me as soon as possible if this is the case.
Dear Mr. Architect:
Please design and build me a house. I am not quite sure of what I need, so you should use your discretion.
My house should have between two and forty-five bedrooms. Just make sure the plans are such that the bedrooms can be easily added or deleted. When you bring the blueprints to me, I will make the final decision of what I want. Also, bring me the cost breakdowns for each configuration so that I can arbitrarily pick one at a later time.
Keep in mind that the house I ultimately choose must cost less than the one I am currently living in. Make sure, however, that you correct all the deficiencies that exist in my current house (the floor of my kitchen vibrates when I walk across it, and the walls don't have nearly enough insulation in them).
As you design, also keep in mind that I want to keep yearly maintenance costs as low as possible. This should mean the incorporation of extra-cost features like aluminum, vinyl, or composite siding. (If you choose not to specify aluminum, be prepared to explain your decision in detail.)
Please take care that modern design practices and the latest materials are used in construction of the house, as I want it to be a showplace for the most up-to-date ideas and methods. Be alerted, however, that kitchen should be designed to accommodate (among other things) my 1952 Gibson refrigerator.
To assure that you are building the correct house for our entire family, you will need to contact each of my children, and also our in-laws. My mother-in-law will have very strong feelings about how the house should be designed, since she visits us at least once a year. Make sure that you weigh all of theses options carefully and come to the right decision. I, however, retain the right to overrule any decisions that you make.
Please don't bother me with small details right now. Your job is to develop the overall plans for the house and get the big picture. At this time, for example, it is not appropriate to be choosing the color of the carpeting. However, keep in mind that my wife likes blue.
Also, do not worry at this time about acquiring the resources to build the house itself. Your first priority is to develop detailed plans and specifications. Once I approve these plans, however, I would expect the house to be under roof within 48 hours.
While you are designing this house specifically for me, keep in mind that sooner or later I will have to sell it to someone else. It therefore should have appeal to a wide variety of potential buyers. Please make sure before you finalize the plans that there is a consensus of the potential homebuyers in my area that they like the features this house has.
I advise you to run up and look at the house my neighbor built last year, as we like it a great deal. It has many things that we feel we also need in our new home, particularly the 75-foot swimming pool. With careful engineering, I believe that you can design this into our new house without impacting the construction cost.
Please prepare a complete set of blueprints. It is not necessary at this time to do the real design, since they will be used only for construction bids. Be advised, however, that you will be held accountable for any increase of construction costs as a result of later design changes.
You must be thrilled to be working on as an interesting project as this! To be able to use the latest techniques and materials and to be given such freedom in your designs is something that can't happen very often. Contact me as soon as possible with your ideas and completed plans.
PS: My wife has just told me that she disagrees with many of the instructions I've given you in this letter. As architect, it is your responsibility to resolve these differences. I have tried in the past and have been unable to accomplish this. If you can't handle this responsibility, I will have to find another architect.
PPS: Perhaps what I need is not a house at all, but a travel trailer. Please advise me as soon as possible if this is the case.
i'm too lame to write a signature !
- womack
- Contributer
- Posts: 32
- Joined: Mon Apr 03, 2006 8:01 pm
by Fly on Tue Apr 04, 2006 11:13 pm
A tourist is in Spain, and goes to a fancy restaurant for dinner. As he looks around, he notices a diner being served a beautifully garnished dish with two gigantic meatballs in the middle. When the waiter asks him for his order, the man asks him about the meatball dish. The waiter explains that the meatballs are bull's testicles, and when the bull loses the bullfight, the bull is brought to the restaurant, and this beautiful dish is made.
The diner tells the waiter that he wants the bulls testicles for dinner, but the waiter tells him that only one bull a day is brought to the restaurant, but he can have it tommorrow. The diner agrees. The next day the diner goes to the restaurant, and orders the testicle dish. When his food is brought out, he notices that the meatballs are extremely small. He mentions this to the waiter, and the waiter replies, ''Well sir you have to understand, sometimes the bull wins''.
The diner tells the waiter that he wants the bulls testicles for dinner, but the waiter tells him that only one bull a day is brought to the restaurant, but he can have it tommorrow. The diner agrees. The next day the diner goes to the restaurant, and orders the testicle dish. When his food is brought out, he notices that the meatballs are extremely small. He mentions this to the waiter, and the waiter replies, ''Well sir you have to understand, sometimes the bull wins''.
- Fly
- Contributer
- Posts: 25
- Joined: Sat Mar 25, 2006 10:31 pm
- Location: Spain
by Samppa on Wed Apr 05, 2006 11:55 am
The best jokes from about the first 50 pages of jokes out of 350 I have on my computer at the moment.. It's a long long post but well worth reading when you have the time. 
----------
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?" The father thought for a moment, then answered,
"Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?! "
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days, and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?" The boy replied, "Yes....... Potentially, you and I are sitting on Three Million Dollars.............. but Realistically,.............. we're living with two Sl*ts and a Queer...
-----
"I think I have a problem, Doc," says a patient. "One of my balls
has turned blue."
The doctor examines the man briefly and concludes that the
patient will die if he doesn't have his testicle removed.
"Are you crazy?!" bursts the patient. "How could I let you do
such a thing to me!"
"You want to die?" asks the doctor rhetorically, at which point
the patient has to agree to have his testicle removed.
Two weeks after the operation, the patient comes back. "Doc, I
don't know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue,
too."
Again, the doctor tells him that if he wants to live, his other
testicle must be cut off, too. Again, the man is very resistant
to the idea.
"Hey, you want to die?" asks the doctor, and the patient has to
agree with the operation.
After two weeks of being testicle-less, the patient returns to
the doctor and says, "I think something is very wrong with me. My
penis is now completely blue."
After briefly examining the patient, the doctor gives him the bad
news: If he wants to live, his penis has to go. Of course, the
patient does not want to hear about it.
"You want to die?" asks the doctor.
"But... how do I pee?"
"We'll install a plastic pipe, and there will be no problem."
So the patient has his penis removed. A short while after the
operation, the unfortunate man enters the doctor's office again.
He is very angry.
"Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue!"
"What?"
"The plastic pipe turned blue. Can you tell me what the hell is
happening??"
The doctor examines the patient more carefully and says,
"Hmmm, I don't know. Could it be the dye from your jeans?"
-----
6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we started
cussing."
The 4-year-old nods his head in approval.
The 6-year-old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna
say something with HELL, and you say something with ASS."
The 4-year-old agrees with enthusiasm.
When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he
wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some
Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,
and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,
slapping his rear with every step.! His mom locks him in his room and
shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old and Asks with a
stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
The 4 year old-very scared says, "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can
bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios."
-----
Real Air Traffic Control Conversations
1. Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351:"Tower, give us another hint please - we have digital watches!"
2. "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, it will be exactly the amount of noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727!"
3. From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue:"I'm bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was bored, not f...ing stupid!"
4. O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound." United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
5. A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
6. A DC-10 had come in a little fast and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
7. There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach...."
8. Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
9. A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German):"Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."
10. Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
11. The pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
12. The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206:
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground:"Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, - and I didn't land..."
-----
A young woman in Cheboygan, Michigan was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Straits. She went to the Mackinaw Bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the rail, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Mackinaw Island Ferry."
------
German Lesson for pilots
Aircraft:
der fliegenwagon
Light aircraft:
der kleinen fliegenwagon
Helicopter:
der schwingen fliegenwagon
Crop dusting aircraft:
das fliegenwagon mit der holinder buttonvor puffen der poo pauder auder
Propeller:
der airfloggenfann
APU/GTC:
Der airfloggenfann flinger
Passenger jet:
der grosse fliegenwagon mit sckull splitten schremen spittenfirenbakof
das airfloggenfann
Cyclic:
der pushenpullen schtik
Anti-torque pedals:
der tailschwingen werks
Pilot:
der pushenpullen schtiken tailschwingen werker
Student pilot:
der dumbkoff lernen fliegen
Instructor:
Mein fliegenführer.
CFI:
Uber fliegenführer.
Air traffic controller:
der schweinhund ubben sie tauer watchen al der dumbskoffs fliegen
Ground Studies:
Das headschratchen bukwerken
Link Trainer/Simulator:
Boks mit aller fliegenwerks innit mit on der ground stayen
Visual flying:
lookenoutenseein fliegen
Instrument flying:
lissenwaitenhopen fliegen
Forced landing:
trinen gebackonner graund mittaut der kraschen
Parachute jump:
trienen gebackonner graund mittaut der fliegenwagon
Weather radar:
das electroniken stormengerschniffer
Bird Strike:
Der fliegenwagon und dumkoff fliegen birden dat kraschen und kausen poofen fedders und twisten arsen
------
Al-Jazeera TV-guide:
6.00 G-Had TV Morning Prayers.
8.30 Talitubbies. Talitubbies say "eh-oh". Dipsy and Tinky-Winky repair a Stinger missile launcher.
9.00 Shouts of Praise. More prayers.
11.00 Jihad's Army. The Kandahar-on-Sea battalion repulse another attack by evil, imperialist, Zionist backed infidels.
12.00 Ready, Steady, Jihad! Celebrities make lethal devices out of everyday objects.
12.30 Panoramadan. The programme reports on America’s attempts to take over the world.
13.30 Xena: Modestly Dressed Housewife. Xena stays at home and does some cooking.
14.00 Only Fools and Camels. Dhal-Boy offloads some Chinese rocket launchers to Hamas.
14.30 Green Peter. The total of Kalashnikovs bought by the milk bottle-top appeal is revealed.
15.00 Madrasah Challenge. Two more Islamic colleges meet. Bambah Kaskhain asks the questions.
15.30 I Love 629. A look back at the events of the year, including the Prophet's entry into Mecca, and the destruction of pagan idols.
16.00 Question Time. Members of the public face questions from political and religious leaders.
17.00 Koranation Street. Deirdrie faces execution by stoning for adultery.
17.30 Middle-East Enders. The entire cast is jailed for un-islamic behaviour.
18.00 Holiday. The team go on pilgrimage to Mecca. Again.
18.30 Top of the Prophets. Will the Koran be No.1 for the 63,728th week running?
19.00 Who Wants to be a Mujahadin? Mahmoud Tarran asks the questions.Will contestants phone a mullah, go 'inshallah', or ask the Islamic council?
20.00 FILM: Shariah's Angels. The three burkha-clad sleuths go undercover to expose an evil scheme to educate women.
21.30 Big Brother. Who will be taken out of the house and executed this week?
22.30 Shahs In Their Eyes. More hopefuls imitate famous destroyers of the infidel.
23.30 They Think It's Allah Over. Quiz culminating in the 'don't feel the Mullah' round.
24.00 When Imams Attack. Amusing footage shot secretly in mosques. The filmers were also secretly shot.
00.30 a.m. The West Bank Show. Arts programme looking at anti-Israel graffiti art in the occupied territories.
01.30 Bhuffi the Infidel Slayer.
02.00 A Book At Bedtime. The Koran. Again.
------
Bumper sticers:
IF YOU CAN'T FEED EM, DON'T BREED EM!"
Constipated People Don't Give A SHIT.
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
I Have The Body Of A God - Buddha.
So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
Illiterate? Write For Help.
Honk If Anything Falls Off.
Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.
He Who Hesitates Not Only Is Lost,
But is Miles From The Next Exit.
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed
Person.
You! Out Of The Gene Pool - Now!
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
(Seen Upside Down On A Jeep)
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...
Guys: No Shirt, No Service
Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My
Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
Boldly Going Nowhere.
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.
Heart Attacks: God's Revenge
For Eating His Animal Friends
Honk If You've Never Seen
An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He
Admits He is Lost?
GROW YOUR OWN DOPE -- PLANT A BLOND.
And Lastly:
"POLITICIANS & DIAPERS BOTH NEED TO BE CHANGED, AND FOR THE SAME REASON
-----
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One."
The boss says, "Just ONE? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, "$101,237.64."
The boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?!" The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"
The kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing."
-----
THE POPE was in his private chambers jacking off. All of a sudden, the door swung open and twenty Japanese tourists came storming in. Before the Pope knew it, they had come and gone. He suddenly remembered one of them had a video camera and it was running.
So the Pope got up, quickly threw on his cassock and ran after them. He caught up to the group outside in the main courtyard. After some quick and heavy negotiations, the Pope secured possession of the camera, film included.
That evening he was having dinner with a favourite Cardinal. His guest looked over on the mantle and noticed the camera. "What a fine new camera. How much did your Holiness pay to get that?"
The Pope swallowed a hearty draft of wine and replied: "$5,000 U.S. Dollars."
The Cardinal exclaimed: "Wow! They must have seen you coming!!"
-----
A guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge biker standing next to him.
The biker sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs, 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs each,
and Turner Brown".
The little guy just faints dead away and falls to the floor.
The biker kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, "Are you Ok??"
In a very weak voice Mike says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?"
The biker says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.
"I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown."
The little guy said, "Oh Thank God!!! I thought you said 'Turn Around'"
-----
THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY....
check it out these actual cases:
Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out
section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The
deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on
his back, flippers, and face mask.
A post-mortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but
from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive
identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully
clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.
It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving
off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking
to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of
helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean
and emptied at the site of the forest fire.
You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in
the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket
300 feet in the air. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.
Still think you're having a bad day?
A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby
in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally
slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged
along as it burst through the glass patio doors.
His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband
cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called
for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went
down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them
to her husband.
While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to
right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the
spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.
After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at
the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went
into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to
his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her
husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his
trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once
again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.
As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance
they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them. They
started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher and dumping the
husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.
Still having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse...
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez
oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most
expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid
cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer
whale ate them both.
Still think you are having a bad day?
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking
frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running
from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away
from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood,
breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily
listening to his Walkman.
STILL think you're having a bad day?
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of
sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two
thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding
madly The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.
What?! STILL having a bad day??
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter
bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it
was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
There now, feeling better?
-----
Manufacturers of consumer products have to be liberal with the warning labels these days, lest they get sued. But for these, it's hard to know whether the company is being outright stupid or if they're simply targeting the most brain dead dumb among us.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Product Warnings:
"Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish." -- On a bottle of shampoo for dogs.
"For external use only!" -- On a curling iron.
"Warning: This product can burn eyes." -- On a curling iron.
"Do not use in shower." -- On a hair dryer.
"Do not use while sleeping." -- On a hair dryer.
"Do not use while sleeping or unconscious." -- On a hand-held massaging device.
"Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking." -- On a toilet at a public sports facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan.
"Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover." -- On a pair of shin guards made for bicyclists.
"This product not intended for use as a dental drill." -- On an electric rotary tool.
"Caution: Do not spray in eyes." -- On a container of underarm deodorant.
"Do not drive with sunshield in place." -- On a cardboard sunshield that keeps the sun off the dashboard.
"Caution: This is not a safety protective device." -- On a plastic toy helmet used as a container for popcorn.
"Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks." -- On an "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace lighter.
"Battery may explore or leak." -- On a battery. See a scanned image.
"Do not eat toner." -- On a toner cartridge for a laser printer.
"Not intended for highway use." -- On a 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow.
"This product is not to be used in bathrooms." -- On a Holmes bathroom heater.
"May irritate eyes." -- On a can of self-defense pepper spray.
"Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth." -- On a novelty rock garden set called "Popcorn Rock."
"Caution! Contents hot!" -- On a Domino's Pizza box.
"Caution: Hot beverages are hot!" -- On a coffee cup.
"Warning: May contain small parts." -- On a frisbee.
"Do not use orally." -- On a toilet bowl cleaning brush.
"Please keep out of children." -- On a butcher knife.
"Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less." -- On a birthday card for a 1 year old.
"Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use." -- On a battery.
"Warning: Do not use on eyes." -- In the manual for a heated seat cushion.
"Do not look into laser with remaining eye." -- On a laser pointer.
"Do not use for drying pets." -- In the manual for a microwave oven.
"For use on animals only." -- On an electric cattle prod.
"For use by trained personnel only." -- On a can of air freshener.
"Keep out of reach of children and teenagers." -- On a can of air freshener.
"Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you." -- On a motorcycle helmet-mounted rear-view mirror.
"Warning: Riders of personal watercraft may suffer injury due to the forceful injection of water into body cavities either by falling into the water or while mounting the craft." -- In the manual for a jetski.
"Warning: Do not climb inside this bag and zip it up. Doing so will cause injury and death." -- A label inside a protective bag (for fragile objects), which measures 15cm by 15cm by 12cm.
"Do not use as ear plugs." -- On a package of silly putty.
"Please store in the cold section of the refrigerator." -- On a bag of fresh grapes in Australia.
"Warning: knives are sharp!" -- On the packaging of a sharpening stone.
"Not for weight control." -- On a pack of Breath Savers.
"Twist top off with hands. Throw top away. Do not put top in mouth." -- On the label of a bottled drink.
"Theft of this container is a crime." -- On a milk crate.
"Do not use intimately." -- On a tube of deodorant.
"Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice." -- On a box of rat poison.
"Fragile. Do not drop." -- Posted on a Boeing 757.
"Cannot be made non-poisonous." -- On the back of a can of de-icing windshield fluid.
"Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage." -- On a portable stroller.
"Excessive dust may be irritating to shin and eyes." -- On a tube of agarose powder, used to make gels.
"Look before driving." -- On the dash board of a mail truck.
"Do not iron clothes on body." -- On packaging for a Rowenta iron.
"Do not drive car or operate machinery." -- On Boot's children's cough medicine.
"For indoor or outdoor use only." -- On a string of Christmas lights.
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." -- On a child sized Superman costume.
"This door is alarmed from 7:00pm - 7:00am." -- On a hospital's outside access door.
"Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted." -- On a sign at a railroad station.
"Warning: do not use if you have prostate problems." -- On a box of Midol PMS relief tablets.
"Product will be hot after heating." -- On a supermarket dessert box.
"Do not turn upside down." -- On the bottom of a supermarket dessert box.
"Do not light in face. Do not expose to flame." -- On a lighter.
"Choking hazard: This toy is a small ball." -- On the label for a cheap rubber ball toy.
"Not for human consumption." -- On a package of dice.
"May be harmful if swallowed." -- On a shipment of hammers.
"Using Ingenio cookware to destroy your old pots may void your warranty." -- A printed message that appears in a television advertisement when the presenter demonstrates how strong the cookware is by using it to beat up and destroy a regular frying pan.
"Do not attempt to stop the blade with your hand." -- In the manual for a Swedish chainsaw.
"Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers." -- From a manual for an SGI computer.
"Warning: May contain nuts." -- On a package of peanuts.
"Do not eat." -- On a slip of paper in a stereo box, referring to the styrofoam packing.
"Access hole only -- not intended for use in lifting box." -- On the sides of a shipping carton, just above cut-out openings which one would assume were handholds.
"Warning: May cause drowsiness." -- On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of sleeping pills.
"Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death." -- Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle.
"Do not use orally after using rectally." -- In the instructions for an electric thermometer.
"Turn off motor before using this product." -- On the packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain.
"Not to be used as a personal flotation device." -- On a 6x10 inch inflatable picture frame.
"Do not put in mouth." -- On a box of bottle rockets.
"Please remove before driving." -- On the back of a cardboard windshield (for keeping the car from getting too hot when parked).
"Remove plastic before eating." -- On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack.
"Not dishwasher safe." -- On a remote control for a TV.
"For lifting purposes only." -- On the box for a car jack.
"Do not put lit candles on phone." -- On the instructions for a cordless phone.
"Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants." -- On the packaging for a wristwatch.
Assurances:
"Safe for use around pets." -- On a box of Arm & Hammer Cat Litter.
Small Print From Commercials:
"Do not use house paint on face." -- In a Visa commercial that depicts an expecting couple looking for paint at a hardware store.
"Do not drive cars in ocean." -- In a car commercial which shows a car in the ocean.
"Always drive on roads. Not on people." -- From a car commercial which shows a vehicle "body-surfing" at a concert.
"For a limited time only." -- From a Rally's commercial that described how their burgers were fresh.
Signs and Notices:
"No stopping or standing." -- A sign at bus stops everywhere.
"Do not sit under coconut trees." -- A sign on a coconut palm in a West Palm Beach park circa 1950.
"These rows reserved for parents with children." -- A sign in a church.
"All cups leaving this store, rather full or empty, must be paid for." -- A sign in a Cumberland Farms in Hillsboro, New Hampshire.
"Malfunction: Too less water." -- A notice left on a coffee machine.
"Prescriptions cannot be filled by phone." -- On a form in a clinic.
"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." -- On a bag of Fritos.
"Fits one head." -- On a hotel-provided shower cap box.
"Payment is due by the due date." -- On a credit card statement.
"No small children." -- On a laundromat triple washer.
Safety Procedures:
"Take care: new non-slip surface." -- On a sign in front of a newly renovated ramp that led to the entrance of a building.
"In case of flood, proceed uphill. In case of flash flood, proceed uphill quickly." -- One of the emergency safety procedures at a summer camp.
Ingredients:
"Ingredients: Artificially bleached flour, sugar, vegetable fat, yeast, salt, gluten, soya flour, emulsifier 472 (E) & 481, flour treatment agents, enzymes, water. May contain: fruit." -- The ingredients list on a package of fruit buns.
"100% pure yarn." -- On a sweater.
"Some materials may irritate sensitive skin. Please look at the materials if you believe this may be the case.
Materials:
Covering: 100% Unknown.
Stuffing: 100% Unknown."
-- On a pillow.
Instructions:
"Remove the plastic wrapper." -- The first instruction on a bag of microwave popcorn; to see the instructions, one first has to remove the plastic wrapper and unfold the pouch.
"Take one capsule by mouth three times daily until gone." -- On a box of pills.
"Open packet. Eat contents." -- Instructions on a packet of airline peanuts.
"Remove wrapper, open mouth, insert muffin, eat." -- Instructions on the packaging for a muffin at a 7-11.
"Use like regular soap." -- On a bar of Dial soap.
"Instructions: usage known." -- Instructions on a can of black pepper.
"Serving suggestion: Defrost." -- On a Swann frozen dinner.
"Simply pour the biscuits into a bowl and allow the cat to eat when it wants." -- On a bag of cat biscuits.
"In order to get out of car, open door, get out, lock doors, and then close doors." -- In a car manual.
"Please include the proper portion of your bill." -- On the envelope for an auto insurance bill.
"The appliance is switched on by setting the on/off switch to the 'on' position." -- Instructions for an espresso kettle.
-----
Last but not by far least..
I never dreamed slowly cruising through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Studies have shown that motorcycling requires more decisions per second, and more sheer data processing than nearly any other common activity or sport. The reactions and accurate decision making abilities needed have been likened to the reactions of fighter pilots! The consequences of bad decisions or poor situational awareness are pretty much the same for both groups too.
Occasionally, as a rider I have caught myself starting to make bad or late decisions while riding. In flight training, my instructors called this being "behind the power curve". It is a mark of experience that when this begins to happen, the rider recognizes the situation, and more importantly, does something about it. A short break, a meal, or even a gas stop can set things right again as it gives the brain a chance to catch up.
Good, accurate, and timely decisions are essential when riding a motorcycle.at least if you want to remain among the living. In short, the brain needs to keep up with the machine.
I had been banging around the roads of east Texas and as I headed back into Dallas, found myself in very heavy, high-speed traffic on the freeways. Normally, this is not a problem, I commute in these conditions daily, but suddenly I was nearly run down by a cage that decided it needed my lane more than I did. This is not normally a big deal either, as it happens around here often, but usually I can accurately predict which drivers are not paying attention and avoid them before we are even close. This one I
missed seeing until it was nearly too late, and as I took evasive action I nearly broadsided another car that I was not even aware was there!
Two bad decisions and insufficient situational awareness.all within seconds. I was behind the power curve. Time to get off the freeway.
I hit the next exit, and as I was in an area I knew pretty well, headed through a few big residential neighborhoods as a new route home. As I turned onto the nearly empty streets I opened the visor on my full-face helmet to help get some air. I figured some slow riding through the quiet surface streets would give me time to relax, think, and regain that "edge" so frequently required when riding.
Little did I suspect.
As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me. It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it-it was that close.
I hate to run over animals.and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact.
Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels can take care of themselves!
Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing the oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his little beady eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Banzai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" as the leap was spectacular and he flew over the windshield and impacted me squarely in the chest.
Instantly he set upon me. If I did not know better I would have sworn he brought twenty of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light t-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!
Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a t-shirt, and leather gloves puttering maybe 25mph down a quiet residential street.and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing.
I grabbed for him with my left hand and managed to snag his tail. With all my strength I flung the evil rodent off the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw.
That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser.
But this was no ordinary squirrel.
This was not even an ordinary pissed-off squirrel.
This was an evil attack squirrel of death!
Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands, and with the force of the throw swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact he landed square on my back and resumed his rather anti-social and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him!
The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result. Torque. This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it. The engine roared as the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in.. well, I just plain screamed.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel torn t-shirt, and only one leather glove roaring at maybe 70mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel and with a demonic squirrel on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.
With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle. My brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little affect against the massive power of the big cruiser.
About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he is a Scottish attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got IN my full-face helmet with me. As the faceplate closed partway and he began hissing in my face I am quite sure my screaming changed tone and intensity. It seemed to have little affect on the squirrel however.
The rpm's on The Dragon maxed out (I was not concerned about shifting at the moment) and her front end started to drop.
Now picture the large man on the huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very ragged torn t-shirt, and wearing one leather glove, roaring at probably 80mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out his mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.
Finally I got the upper hand.I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked. Sort-of. Spectacularly sort-of, so to speak.
Picture the scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork.
Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn t-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing one leather glove, moving at probably 80mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.
I heard screams. They weren't mine...
I managed to get the big motorcycle under directional control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign at a busy cross street.
I would have returned to fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really. But for two things. First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. One of them was on his back in the front yard of the house they had been parked in front of and was rapidly crabbing backwards away from the patrol car. The other was standing in the street and was training a riot shotgun on the police cruiser.
So the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway. That was one thing. The other? Well, I swear I could see the squirrel, standing in the back window of the patrol car among shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery, and shaking his little fist at me. I think he was shooting me the finger.
That is one dangerous squirrel.
And now he has a patrol car.
I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made an easy right turn, and sedately left the neighborhood.
As for my easy and slow drive home? Screw it. Faced with a choice of 80mph cars and inattentive drivers, or the evil, demonic, attack squirrel of death...I'll take my chances with the freeway. Every time.
And I'll buy myself a new pair of gloves.
----------
Some potentially ofensive ones in there, but bear with me
----------
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?" The father thought for a moment, then answered,
"Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?! "
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days, and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?" The boy replied, "Yes....... Potentially, you and I are sitting on Three Million Dollars.............. but Realistically,.............. we're living with two Sl*ts and a Queer...
-----
"I think I have a problem, Doc," says a patient. "One of my balls
has turned blue."
The doctor examines the man briefly and concludes that the
patient will die if he doesn't have his testicle removed.
"Are you crazy?!" bursts the patient. "How could I let you do
such a thing to me!"
"You want to die?" asks the doctor rhetorically, at which point
the patient has to agree to have his testicle removed.
Two weeks after the operation, the patient comes back. "Doc, I
don't know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue,
too."
Again, the doctor tells him that if he wants to live, his other
testicle must be cut off, too. Again, the man is very resistant
to the idea.
"Hey, you want to die?" asks the doctor, and the patient has to
agree with the operation.
After two weeks of being testicle-less, the patient returns to
the doctor and says, "I think something is very wrong with me. My
penis is now completely blue."
After briefly examining the patient, the doctor gives him the bad
news: If he wants to live, his penis has to go. Of course, the
patient does not want to hear about it.
"You want to die?" asks the doctor.
"But... how do I pee?"
"We'll install a plastic pipe, and there will be no problem."
So the patient has his penis removed. A short while after the
operation, the unfortunate man enters the doctor's office again.
He is very angry.
"Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue!"
"What?"
"The plastic pipe turned blue. Can you tell me what the hell is
happening??"
The doctor examines the patient more carefully and says,
"Hmmm, I don't know. Could it be the dye from your jeans?"
-----
6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we started
cussing."
The 4-year-old nods his head in approval.
The 6-year-old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna
say something with HELL, and you say something with ASS."
The 4-year-old agrees with enthusiasm.
When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he
wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some
Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,
and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,
slapping his rear with every step.! His mom locks him in his room and
shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old and Asks with a
stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
The 4 year old-very scared says, "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can
bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios."
-----
Real Air Traffic Control Conversations
1. Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351:"Tower, give us another hint please - we have digital watches!"
2. "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, it will be exactly the amount of noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727!"
3. From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue:"I'm bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was bored, not f...ing stupid!"
4. O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound." United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
5. A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
6. A DC-10 had come in a little fast and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
7. There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach...."
8. Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
9. A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German):"Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."
10. Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
11. The pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
12. The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206:
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground:"Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, - and I didn't land..."
-----
A young woman in Cheboygan, Michigan was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Straits. She went to the Mackinaw Bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the rail, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Mackinaw Island Ferry."
------
German Lesson for pilots
Aircraft:
der fliegenwagon
Light aircraft:
der kleinen fliegenwagon
Helicopter:
der schwingen fliegenwagon
Crop dusting aircraft:
das fliegenwagon mit der holinder buttonvor puffen der poo pauder auder
Propeller:
der airfloggenfann
APU/GTC:
Der airfloggenfann flinger
Passenger jet:
der grosse fliegenwagon mit sckull splitten schremen spittenfirenbakof
das airfloggenfann
Cyclic:
der pushenpullen schtik
Anti-torque pedals:
der tailschwingen werks
Pilot:
der pushenpullen schtiken tailschwingen werker
Student pilot:
der dumbkoff lernen fliegen
Instructor:
Mein fliegenführer.
CFI:
Uber fliegenführer.
Air traffic controller:
der schweinhund ubben sie tauer watchen al der dumbskoffs fliegen
Ground Studies:
Das headschratchen bukwerken
Link Trainer/Simulator:
Boks mit aller fliegenwerks innit mit on der ground stayen
Visual flying:
lookenoutenseein fliegen
Instrument flying:
lissenwaitenhopen fliegen
Forced landing:
trinen gebackonner graund mittaut der kraschen
Parachute jump:
trienen gebackonner graund mittaut der fliegenwagon
Weather radar:
das electroniken stormengerschniffer
Bird Strike:
Der fliegenwagon und dumkoff fliegen birden dat kraschen und kausen poofen fedders und twisten arsen
------
Al-Jazeera TV-guide:
6.00 G-Had TV Morning Prayers.
8.30 Talitubbies. Talitubbies say "eh-oh". Dipsy and Tinky-Winky repair a Stinger missile launcher.
9.00 Shouts of Praise. More prayers.
11.00 Jihad's Army. The Kandahar-on-Sea battalion repulse another attack by evil, imperialist, Zionist backed infidels.
12.00 Ready, Steady, Jihad! Celebrities make lethal devices out of everyday objects.
12.30 Panoramadan. The programme reports on America’s attempts to take over the world.
13.30 Xena: Modestly Dressed Housewife. Xena stays at home and does some cooking.
14.00 Only Fools and Camels. Dhal-Boy offloads some Chinese rocket launchers to Hamas.
14.30 Green Peter. The total of Kalashnikovs bought by the milk bottle-top appeal is revealed.
15.00 Madrasah Challenge. Two more Islamic colleges meet. Bambah Kaskhain asks the questions.
15.30 I Love 629. A look back at the events of the year, including the Prophet's entry into Mecca, and the destruction of pagan idols.
16.00 Question Time. Members of the public face questions from political and religious leaders.
17.00 Koranation Street. Deirdrie faces execution by stoning for adultery.
17.30 Middle-East Enders. The entire cast is jailed for un-islamic behaviour.
18.00 Holiday. The team go on pilgrimage to Mecca. Again.
18.30 Top of the Prophets. Will the Koran be No.1 for the 63,728th week running?
19.00 Who Wants to be a Mujahadin? Mahmoud Tarran asks the questions.Will contestants phone a mullah, go 'inshallah', or ask the Islamic council?
20.00 FILM: Shariah's Angels. The three burkha-clad sleuths go undercover to expose an evil scheme to educate women.
21.30 Big Brother. Who will be taken out of the house and executed this week?
22.30 Shahs In Their Eyes. More hopefuls imitate famous destroyers of the infidel.
23.30 They Think It's Allah Over. Quiz culminating in the 'don't feel the Mullah' round.
24.00 When Imams Attack. Amusing footage shot secretly in mosques. The filmers were also secretly shot.
00.30 a.m. The West Bank Show. Arts programme looking at anti-Israel graffiti art in the occupied territories.
01.30 Bhuffi the Infidel Slayer.
02.00 A Book At Bedtime. The Koran. Again.
------
Bumper sticers:
IF YOU CAN'T FEED EM, DON'T BREED EM!"
Constipated People Don't Give A SHIT.
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
I Have The Body Of A God - Buddha.
So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
Illiterate? Write For Help.
Honk If Anything Falls Off.
Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.
He Who Hesitates Not Only Is Lost,
But is Miles From The Next Exit.
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed
Person.
You! Out Of The Gene Pool - Now!
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
(Seen Upside Down On A Jeep)
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...
Guys: No Shirt, No Service
Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My
Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
Boldly Going Nowhere.
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.
Heart Attacks: God's Revenge
For Eating His Animal Friends
Honk If You've Never Seen
An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He
Admits He is Lost?
GROW YOUR OWN DOPE -- PLANT A BLOND.
And Lastly:
"POLITICIANS & DIAPERS BOTH NEED TO BE CHANGED, AND FOR THE SAME REASON
-----
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One."
The boss says, "Just ONE? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, "$101,237.64."
The boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?!" The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"
The kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing."
-----
THE POPE was in his private chambers jacking off. All of a sudden, the door swung open and twenty Japanese tourists came storming in. Before the Pope knew it, they had come and gone. He suddenly remembered one of them had a video camera and it was running.
So the Pope got up, quickly threw on his cassock and ran after them. He caught up to the group outside in the main courtyard. After some quick and heavy negotiations, the Pope secured possession of the camera, film included.
That evening he was having dinner with a favourite Cardinal. His guest looked over on the mantle and noticed the camera. "What a fine new camera. How much did your Holiness pay to get that?"
The Pope swallowed a hearty draft of wine and replied: "$5,000 U.S. Dollars."
The Cardinal exclaimed: "Wow! They must have seen you coming!!"
-----
A guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge biker standing next to him.
The biker sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs, 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs each,
and Turner Brown".
The little guy just faints dead away and falls to the floor.
The biker kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, "Are you Ok??"
In a very weak voice Mike says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?"
The biker says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.
"I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown."
The little guy said, "Oh Thank God!!! I thought you said 'Turn Around'"
-----
THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY....
check it out these actual cases:
Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out
section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The
deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on
his back, flippers, and face mask.
A post-mortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but
from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive
identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully
clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.
It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving
off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking
to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of
helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean
and emptied at the site of the forest fire.
You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in
the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket
300 feet in the air. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.
Still think you're having a bad day?
A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby
in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally
slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged
along as it burst through the glass patio doors.
His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband
cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called
for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went
down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them
to her husband.
While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to
right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the
spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.
After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at
the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went
into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to
his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her
husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his
trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once
again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.
As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance
they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them. They
started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher and dumping the
husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.
Still having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse...
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez
oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most
expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid
cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer
whale ate them both.
Still think you are having a bad day?
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking
frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running
from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away
from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood,
breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily
listening to his Walkman.
STILL think you're having a bad day?
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of
sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two
thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding
madly The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.
What?! STILL having a bad day??
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter
bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it
was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
There now, feeling better?
-----
Manufacturers of consumer products have to be liberal with the warning labels these days, lest they get sued. But for these, it's hard to know whether the company is being outright stupid or if they're simply targeting the most brain dead dumb among us.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Product Warnings:
"Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish." -- On a bottle of shampoo for dogs.
"For external use only!" -- On a curling iron.
"Warning: This product can burn eyes." -- On a curling iron.
"Do not use in shower." -- On a hair dryer.
"Do not use while sleeping." -- On a hair dryer.
"Do not use while sleeping or unconscious." -- On a hand-held massaging device.
"Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking." -- On a toilet at a public sports facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan.
"Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover." -- On a pair of shin guards made for bicyclists.
"This product not intended for use as a dental drill." -- On an electric rotary tool.
"Caution: Do not spray in eyes." -- On a container of underarm deodorant.
"Do not drive with sunshield in place." -- On a cardboard sunshield that keeps the sun off the dashboard.
"Caution: This is not a safety protective device." -- On a plastic toy helmet used as a container for popcorn.
"Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks." -- On an "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace lighter.
"Battery may explore or leak." -- On a battery. See a scanned image.
"Do not eat toner." -- On a toner cartridge for a laser printer.
"Not intended for highway use." -- On a 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow.
"This product is not to be used in bathrooms." -- On a Holmes bathroom heater.
"May irritate eyes." -- On a can of self-defense pepper spray.
"Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth." -- On a novelty rock garden set called "Popcorn Rock."
"Caution! Contents hot!" -- On a Domino's Pizza box.
"Caution: Hot beverages are hot!" -- On a coffee cup.
"Warning: May contain small parts." -- On a frisbee.
"Do not use orally." -- On a toilet bowl cleaning brush.
"Please keep out of children." -- On a butcher knife.
"Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less." -- On a birthday card for a 1 year old.
"Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use." -- On a battery.
"Warning: Do not use on eyes." -- In the manual for a heated seat cushion.
"Do not look into laser with remaining eye." -- On a laser pointer.
"Do not use for drying pets." -- In the manual for a microwave oven.
"For use on animals only." -- On an electric cattle prod.
"For use by trained personnel only." -- On a can of air freshener.
"Keep out of reach of children and teenagers." -- On a can of air freshener.
"Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you." -- On a motorcycle helmet-mounted rear-view mirror.
"Warning: Riders of personal watercraft may suffer injury due to the forceful injection of water into body cavities either by falling into the water or while mounting the craft." -- In the manual for a jetski.
"Warning: Do not climb inside this bag and zip it up. Doing so will cause injury and death." -- A label inside a protective bag (for fragile objects), which measures 15cm by 15cm by 12cm.
"Do not use as ear plugs." -- On a package of silly putty.
"Please store in the cold section of the refrigerator." -- On a bag of fresh grapes in Australia.
"Warning: knives are sharp!" -- On the packaging of a sharpening stone.
"Not for weight control." -- On a pack of Breath Savers.
"Twist top off with hands. Throw top away. Do not put top in mouth." -- On the label of a bottled drink.
"Theft of this container is a crime." -- On a milk crate.
"Do not use intimately." -- On a tube of deodorant.
"Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice." -- On a box of rat poison.
"Fragile. Do not drop." -- Posted on a Boeing 757.
"Cannot be made non-poisonous." -- On the back of a can of de-icing windshield fluid.
"Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage." -- On a portable stroller.
"Excessive dust may be irritating to shin and eyes." -- On a tube of agarose powder, used to make gels.
"Look before driving." -- On the dash board of a mail truck.
"Do not iron clothes on body." -- On packaging for a Rowenta iron.
"Do not drive car or operate machinery." -- On Boot's children's cough medicine.
"For indoor or outdoor use only." -- On a string of Christmas lights.
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." -- On a child sized Superman costume.
"This door is alarmed from 7:00pm - 7:00am." -- On a hospital's outside access door.
"Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted." -- On a sign at a railroad station.
"Warning: do not use if you have prostate problems." -- On a box of Midol PMS relief tablets.
"Product will be hot after heating." -- On a supermarket dessert box.
"Do not turn upside down." -- On the bottom of a supermarket dessert box.
"Do not light in face. Do not expose to flame." -- On a lighter.
"Choking hazard: This toy is a small ball." -- On the label for a cheap rubber ball toy.
"Not for human consumption." -- On a package of dice.
"May be harmful if swallowed." -- On a shipment of hammers.
"Using Ingenio cookware to destroy your old pots may void your warranty." -- A printed message that appears in a television advertisement when the presenter demonstrates how strong the cookware is by using it to beat up and destroy a regular frying pan.
"Do not attempt to stop the blade with your hand." -- In the manual for a Swedish chainsaw.
"Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers." -- From a manual for an SGI computer.
"Warning: May contain nuts." -- On a package of peanuts.
"Do not eat." -- On a slip of paper in a stereo box, referring to the styrofoam packing.
"Access hole only -- not intended for use in lifting box." -- On the sides of a shipping carton, just above cut-out openings which one would assume were handholds.
"Warning: May cause drowsiness." -- On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of sleeping pills.
"Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death." -- Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle.
"Do not use orally after using rectally." -- In the instructions for an electric thermometer.
"Turn off motor before using this product." -- On the packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain.
"Not to be used as a personal flotation device." -- On a 6x10 inch inflatable picture frame.
"Do not put in mouth." -- On a box of bottle rockets.
"Please remove before driving." -- On the back of a cardboard windshield (for keeping the car from getting too hot when parked).
"Remove plastic before eating." -- On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack.
"Not dishwasher safe." -- On a remote control for a TV.
"For lifting purposes only." -- On the box for a car jack.
"Do not put lit candles on phone." -- On the instructions for a cordless phone.
"Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants." -- On the packaging for a wristwatch.
Assurances:
"Safe for use around pets." -- On a box of Arm & Hammer Cat Litter.
Small Print From Commercials:
"Do not use house paint on face." -- In a Visa commercial that depicts an expecting couple looking for paint at a hardware store.
"Do not drive cars in ocean." -- In a car commercial which shows a car in the ocean.
"Always drive on roads. Not on people." -- From a car commercial which shows a vehicle "body-surfing" at a concert.
"For a limited time only." -- From a Rally's commercial that described how their burgers were fresh.
Signs and Notices:
"No stopping or standing." -- A sign at bus stops everywhere.
"Do not sit under coconut trees." -- A sign on a coconut palm in a West Palm Beach park circa 1950.
"These rows reserved for parents with children." -- A sign in a church.
"All cups leaving this store, rather full or empty, must be paid for." -- A sign in a Cumberland Farms in Hillsboro, New Hampshire.
"Malfunction: Too less water." -- A notice left on a coffee machine.
"Prescriptions cannot be filled by phone." -- On a form in a clinic.
"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." -- On a bag of Fritos.
"Fits one head." -- On a hotel-provided shower cap box.
"Payment is due by the due date." -- On a credit card statement.
"No small children." -- On a laundromat triple washer.
Safety Procedures:
"Take care: new non-slip surface." -- On a sign in front of a newly renovated ramp that led to the entrance of a building.
"In case of flood, proceed uphill. In case of flash flood, proceed uphill quickly." -- One of the emergency safety procedures at a summer camp.
Ingredients:
"Ingredients: Artificially bleached flour, sugar, vegetable fat, yeast, salt, gluten, soya flour, emulsifier 472 (E) & 481, flour treatment agents, enzymes, water. May contain: fruit." -- The ingredients list on a package of fruit buns.
"100% pure yarn." -- On a sweater.
"Some materials may irritate sensitive skin. Please look at the materials if you believe this may be the case.
Materials:
Covering: 100% Unknown.
Stuffing: 100% Unknown."
-- On a pillow.
Instructions:
"Remove the plastic wrapper." -- The first instruction on a bag of microwave popcorn; to see the instructions, one first has to remove the plastic wrapper and unfold the pouch.
"Take one capsule by mouth three times daily until gone." -- On a box of pills.
"Open packet. Eat contents." -- Instructions on a packet of airline peanuts.
"Remove wrapper, open mouth, insert muffin, eat." -- Instructions on the packaging for a muffin at a 7-11.
"Use like regular soap." -- On a bar of Dial soap.
"Instructions: usage known." -- Instructions on a can of black pepper.
"Serving suggestion: Defrost." -- On a Swann frozen dinner.
"Simply pour the biscuits into a bowl and allow the cat to eat when it wants." -- On a bag of cat biscuits.
"In order to get out of car, open door, get out, lock doors, and then close doors." -- In a car manual.
"Please include the proper portion of your bill." -- On the envelope for an auto insurance bill.
"The appliance is switched on by setting the on/off switch to the 'on' position." -- Instructions for an espresso kettle.
-----
Last but not by far least..
I never dreamed slowly cruising through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Studies have shown that motorcycling requires more decisions per second, and more sheer data processing than nearly any other common activity or sport. The reactions and accurate decision making abilities needed have been likened to the reactions of fighter pilots! The consequences of bad decisions or poor situational awareness are pretty much the same for both groups too.
Occasionally, as a rider I have caught myself starting to make bad or late decisions while riding. In flight training, my instructors called this being "behind the power curve". It is a mark of experience that when this begins to happen, the rider recognizes the situation, and more importantly, does something about it. A short break, a meal, or even a gas stop can set things right again as it gives the brain a chance to catch up.
Good, accurate, and timely decisions are essential when riding a motorcycle.at least if you want to remain among the living. In short, the brain needs to keep up with the machine.
I had been banging around the roads of east Texas and as I headed back into Dallas, found myself in very heavy, high-speed traffic on the freeways. Normally, this is not a problem, I commute in these conditions daily, but suddenly I was nearly run down by a cage that decided it needed my lane more than I did. This is not normally a big deal either, as it happens around here often, but usually I can accurately predict which drivers are not paying attention and avoid them before we are even close. This one I
missed seeing until it was nearly too late, and as I took evasive action I nearly broadsided another car that I was not even aware was there!
Two bad decisions and insufficient situational awareness.all within seconds. I was behind the power curve. Time to get off the freeway.
I hit the next exit, and as I was in an area I knew pretty well, headed through a few big residential neighborhoods as a new route home. As I turned onto the nearly empty streets I opened the visor on my full-face helmet to help get some air. I figured some slow riding through the quiet surface streets would give me time to relax, think, and regain that "edge" so frequently required when riding.
Little did I suspect.
As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me. It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it-it was that close.
I hate to run over animals.and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact.
Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels can take care of themselves!
Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing the oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his little beady eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Banzai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" as the leap was spectacular and he flew over the windshield and impacted me squarely in the chest.
Instantly he set upon me. If I did not know better I would have sworn he brought twenty of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light t-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!
Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a t-shirt, and leather gloves puttering maybe 25mph down a quiet residential street.and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing.
I grabbed for him with my left hand and managed to snag his tail. With all my strength I flung the evil rodent off the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw.
That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser.
But this was no ordinary squirrel.
This was not even an ordinary pissed-off squirrel.
This was an evil attack squirrel of death!
Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands, and with the force of the throw swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact he landed square on my back and resumed his rather anti-social and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him!
The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result. Torque. This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it. The engine roared as the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in.. well, I just plain screamed.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel torn t-shirt, and only one leather glove roaring at maybe 70mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel and with a demonic squirrel on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.
With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle. My brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little affect against the massive power of the big cruiser.
About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he is a Scottish attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got IN my full-face helmet with me. As the faceplate closed partway and he began hissing in my face I am quite sure my screaming changed tone and intensity. It seemed to have little affect on the squirrel however.
The rpm's on The Dragon maxed out (I was not concerned about shifting at the moment) and her front end started to drop.
Now picture the large man on the huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very ragged torn t-shirt, and wearing one leather glove, roaring at probably 80mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out his mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.
Finally I got the upper hand.I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked. Sort-of. Spectacularly sort-of, so to speak.
Picture the scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork.
Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn t-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing one leather glove, moving at probably 80mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.
I heard screams. They weren't mine...
I managed to get the big motorcycle under directional control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign at a busy cross street.
I would have returned to fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really. But for two things. First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. One of them was on his back in the front yard of the house they had been parked in front of and was rapidly crabbing backwards away from the patrol car. The other was standing in the street and was training a riot shotgun on the police cruiser.
So the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway. That was one thing. The other? Well, I swear I could see the squirrel, standing in the back window of the patrol car among shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery, and shaking his little fist at me. I think he was shooting me the finger.
That is one dangerous squirrel.
And now he has a patrol car.
I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made an easy right turn, and sedately left the neighborhood.
As for my easy and slow drive home? Screw it. Faced with a choice of 80mph cars and inattentive drivers, or the evil, demonic, attack squirrel of death...I'll take my chances with the freeway. Every time.
And I'll buy myself a new pair of gloves.
----------
Some potentially ofensive ones in there, but bear with me
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(='.'=) This is RomMaster's Bunny. Copy and paste bunny into your
(" )_(" ) signature to help him gain world domination.
(='.'=) This is RomMaster's Bunny. Copy and paste bunny into your
(" )_(" ) signature to help him gain world domination.
- Samppa
- Phoenix Veteran
- Posts: 744
- Joined: Thu Feb 02, 2006 10:00 am
- Location: Finland
by arn0ld on Sat Apr 29, 2006 11:39 pm
Wahohoo!!! Here's a message my friend sent me in my cellphone:
Modern Philosophes:
- If your father's poor, it is your fate. But if your father-in-law's poor, it' your stupidity!
- How come abbreviated is such a long word?
- Love thy neighbor. But don't get caught.
- The wise never marry. When they do, they become otherwise.
- Love is photogenic. It needs darkness to develop.
- Your future depends in your dreams. So go to sleep.
- Children in backseats cause accidents, accidents in backseats cause children.
- Save water. Shower with partner!
It sure made me smile for one sec
Modern Philosophes:
- If your father's poor, it is your fate. But if your father-in-law's poor, it' your stupidity!
- How come abbreviated is such a long word?
- Love thy neighbor. But don't get caught.
- The wise never marry. When they do, they become otherwise.
- Love is photogenic. It needs darkness to develop.
- Your future depends in your dreams. So go to sleep.
- Children in backseats cause accidents, accidents in backseats cause children.
- Save water. Shower with partner!
It sure made me smile for one sec
...in a sea of strangers where everybody is just a face, a person can stand out with a smile
May gina-admire ako galing nahuya ko magstorya sa iya nga face-to-face!!
May gina-admire ako galing nahuya ko magstorya sa iya nga face-to-face!!
- arn0ld
- Regular
- Posts: 110
- Joined: Fri Mar 31, 2006 7:09 pm
- Location: Las Phelippinas
by aRtERy on Tue May 02, 2006 8:43 am
here goes a story bout a shop for men... where every woman can go and buy a husband.
one lady went on shoppin... she arrived at the first floor of the store and saw a notice : "HERE ARE THE HANDSOME AND GOOD MEN, if u dont like them.. go upper there u can find better"... she went on the second floor and read another message : "HERE ARE THE BEAUTIFUL GOOD SMART and always surprising men"... she wanted something better.... on the third floor it was said : "here are good and clever man... really handsome and charming... love kids and love work... " she was not fullfilled again... and on the fourth she read : "here u can buy handsome and athletic men... smartest ever... spiritual inspirated... love kids.. they can make a woman really happy without leavin her time for anythin... pure happiness.." she thought about a sec... but then go upper and read "You are the 192 333 211 visitor of this floor... theres nothing here.. this floor doesnt exist it just prove that you cant make a woman satisfied"........
on the other corner of the street... was situated another shop... where men buy women... on the first floor it was noticed :"Here are the beatiful ones"... and no one ever went to the second.
one lady went on shoppin... she arrived at the first floor of the store and saw a notice : "HERE ARE THE HANDSOME AND GOOD MEN, if u dont like them.. go upper there u can find better"... she went on the second floor and read another message : "HERE ARE THE BEAUTIFUL GOOD SMART and always surprising men"... she wanted something better.... on the third floor it was said : "here are good and clever man... really handsome and charming... love kids and love work... " she was not fullfilled again... and on the fourth she read : "here u can buy handsome and athletic men... smartest ever... spiritual inspirated... love kids.. they can make a woman really happy without leavin her time for anythin... pure happiness.." she thought about a sec... but then go upper and read "You are the 192 333 211 visitor of this floor... theres nothing here.. this floor doesnt exist it just prove that you cant make a woman satisfied"........
on the other corner of the street... was situated another shop... where men buy women... on the first floor it was noticed :"Here are the beatiful ones"... and no one ever went to the second.
- aRtERy
- Contributer
- Posts: 35
- Joined: Tue Apr 04, 2006 9:47 am
- Location: Bulgaria
by SuPeR_MaSteR on Sun Jun 04, 2006 6:27 pm
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
- SuPeR_MaSteR
- Newbie
- Posts: 16
- Joined: Fri Jun 02, 2006 1:07 pm
by Starmax on Sun Aug 27, 2006 10:39 pm
This one i just heard the other day, it's called "Damn Ham".
A lady goes to the butcher shop to get meat for dinner, she asked "what do you have on sale?", the butcher replies, Damn Ham.
The lady say's hey if your gonna curse at me i cant shop here any more, the butcher say's no ma'am thats just the name of the ham i apologize.
She say's ok in that case give me 2lbs of that.
The lady goes home and starts to prepair dinner whil her husband is comming in from work.
He says to her "honey what's for dinner?", she replies "Damn Ham".
He says please dont curse at me i just asked whats for dinner,she says im sorry darling thats the name of the Ham, he says oh ok.
So they sit down for dinner and as they are eating, the man says honey please pass the "Damn Ham", and the mans son replies "thats the spirit dad, pass those F***ing potatoes"...Lmaoooo.
A lady goes to the butcher shop to get meat for dinner, she asked "what do you have on sale?", the butcher replies, Damn Ham.
The lady say's hey if your gonna curse at me i cant shop here any more, the butcher say's no ma'am thats just the name of the ham i apologize.
She say's ok in that case give me 2lbs of that.
The lady goes home and starts to prepair dinner whil her husband is comming in from work.
He says to her "honey what's for dinner?", she replies "Damn Ham".
He says please dont curse at me i just asked whats for dinner,she says im sorry darling thats the name of the Ham, he says oh ok.
So they sit down for dinner and as they are eating, the man says honey please pass the "Damn Ham", and the mans son replies "thats the spirit dad, pass those F***ing potatoes"...Lmaoooo.
Website: http://www.freewebs.com/all-chat
Chatsite: http://starcrazystudios.myvnc.com
IRC and Java access.
Chatsite: http://starcrazystudios.myvnc.com
IRC and Java access.
- Starmax
- Regular
- Posts: 96
- Joined: Wed Mar 08, 2006 6:19 am
- Location: U.S.A.
by vermillion on Fri Sep 15, 2006 6:50 am
wuffie wrote:A Kiwi walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies:
"I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."
The man says: " I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."
lol this is great
- vermillion
- Contributer
- Posts: 36
- Joined: Wed Sep 13, 2006 8:39 pm
by qvc on Sun Sep 17, 2006 12:49 pm
Here is mine, 9 student rules:
1. If you wan't learn - don't do this!
2. Remember how looks your teacher - enemies must recognize.
3. Don't get tired in lecture - before party you must be in good mood.
4. Use sms services per lectures.
5. Copy without any conscience.
6. Live in debt that you will never return.
7. Eat. Beer have many calories.
8. Pray, that you get good exam questions.
9. You got only one point - you must get diploma in anyhow!
OMG i am stundent now
This rule is good, but i scared when comming exam Pray and Pray God please help me cuz i do not lern yesterday Ignorantia iuris non excusat, ignorantia iuris nocet!
- qvc
- Newbie
- Posts: 15
- Joined: Fri Sep 08, 2006 11:59 pm
by aLPHa_LeaK on Sat Sep 23, 2006 10:24 pm
Starmax wrote:This one i just heard the other day, it's called "Damn Ham".
A lady goes to the butcher shop to get meat for dinner, she asked "what do you have on sale?", the butcher replies, Damn Ham.
The lady say's hey if your gonna curse at me i cant shop here any more, the butcher say's no ma'am thats just the name of the ham i apologize.
She say's ok in that case give me 2lbs of that.
The lady goes home and starts to prepair dinner whil her husband is comming in from work.
He says to her "honey what's for dinner?", she replies "Damn Ham".
He says please dont curse at me i just asked whats for dinner,she says im sorry darling thats the name of the Ham, he says oh ok.
So they sit down for dinner and as they are eating, the man says honey please pass the "Damn Ham", and the mans son replies "thats the spirit dad, pass those F***ing potatoes"...Lmaoooo.
Lolled quite hard at that one
- aLPHa_LeaK
- Contributer
- Posts: 23
- Joined: Sat Sep 23, 2006 9:57 pm
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