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DADDY'S NINE RULES OF DATING

Rule One:
If you pull into my -driveway and honk, you'd better be delivering a package because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends look like complete and absolute idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise; you may come to the door with your underpants showing and your trousers ten sizes too big and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate; when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early"

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my daughter you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the
Movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that "Can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Ru1e Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folk’s homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been, but on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.


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In a small fishing village, a Newfoundlander was walking up from the wharf carrying two - at least three-pound live lobsters - one in each hand.
It was three weeks after the season closed! Whom should he meet at the end of the wharf but the Federal Fisheries Officer who, upon viewing the live and wiggling lobsters, says: "Well me Laddie I got you this time - with two live lobsters three weeks after the season Closed!"
The Newfie says, "No - My Son you are wrong! These are two trained lobsters that I caught two weeks before the season ended."
The Fisheries Officer says, "Trained like how?"
"Well my son, each day I takes these two from my house down to the wharf and puts them in the water for a swim. While they swim I sits on the wharf and has me a smoke, or two. After about 15 minutes I whistles and up comes me two lobsters, and I takes them home!"
"Likely story", the Fisheries Officer says! "Lets take them on down the wharf and see if it's true."
So, the Newfie goes ahead of the Fisheries Officer to the end of the wharf where, under supervision, he gently lowers both lobsters into the water.
The Newfie sits on a wharf piling and lights up a smoke, then another!
After about 15 minutes the Fisheries Officer says to the Newfie, "How about whistling?"
The Newfie says "What For?"
The Fisheries Officer says, "To call in the Lobsters."
The Newfie says, "What Lobsters?"

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And for those too lazy to read the long ones..
----

A van carrying a dozen movie stuntmen on the way to a film location in the mountains spun out of control on the icy road, crashed through a guard-rail, rolled down a 90-foot embankment, turned over, and burst into flames.
There were no injuries

----

Once upon a time a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?"
She said "No!"
...and the guy lived happily ever after.

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

A fela black man from da neibahut gous to Quinz hospital where his woman just bore a child
- Wazzup, woman. Haya duin? Lemmi see ma son.
She gave him the baby

- Wot?! Wo'za'fuck is this, woman? Y'aint gonna tell me this skuishy yela smoll eye mazafaka is MA SON? Luk at him - Him Chinese, aint him?! Ya woman crazy?

- Ya stuupid black man, Lui. Evry fifz baby in da World is a CHINESE!!!!

there were two guys in a pub waiting for their freind so they could start the joke (cos it was a three man joke). anyway they sat and did blokey thing whilst they waited. suddenly a woman appeared and said "what are you waiting for?" the first man said "were waiting for our mate so we can start this three man joke" so the lady said "well if hes late i could fill in"
"no sorry its a three MAN joke, no women allowed"said the man
"but i am a man i just like wearing wwomens cloths"replied the person who we thought was a woman but is infact a man
"yeah you can do it then" said the man, and the joke began......

there were three m.........

the two guys mate came in and said "sorry im late this old guy was doing a realy long dog joke and i couldnt get away!"
"ss................................................ blerg its kinda ruined it now far tooo long
anyway

in the garden were a chicken and an egg having hardcore sex thus answereing the age old question when the egg came first

all here are crazy?

KitKat wrote:all here are crazy?

What kind of reply is this?!?

btw Stay on topic.

Burger joint conversations nationwide
M.I.T.: "I had a nervous breakdown this weekend."
"Have some fries."

Caltech: "I had three nervous breakdowns this weekend."
"Have some fries."

Yale: "I got mugged on the way to class today."
"Have some fries."

Brown: "I got a nose ring this weekend, Professor Smith."
"Cool! Me too! Have some fries."

Swarthmore: "I got a B."
"Anywhere else it would have been an A. Have some fries."

Princeton: "My father took away my Porsche this weekend."
"Poor dear. Have some Escargot."

Harvard: "Did you do anything this weekend?"
"Nope. Have some fries."

Williams: "Don't I know you?"
"Of course you do, silly. Have some fries."

Cornell: "I killed my lab partner this weekend."
"Bummer. Have some fries."

Columbia: "I wish I could be eating these fries at a better school."
"Me too. Let's go get shot."

Penn: "I wish I could be eating these fries at a better school."
"Me too. Let's transfer to Columbia."

Stanford: "Dude, I have so much work this weekend."
"Like, chill out, dude. Have some, like, fries."

Dartmouth: "Oh man, I got so trashed this weekend."
"Have some beer."

Tufts: "I wish I were Ivy League."
"Here, drink the fry grease."

lolned

This Catholic nun walk's into a liqour store and ask the man behond the counter,
let me have a bottle of whiskey.

The man say's your a nun i wont sell it to you,she say's you dont understand,it's for Mother Superior's bows and will help her relax.

He say's oh ok since it's for Medicinal Purposes i will sell it to you.

Next day the nun stumbles into the liqour store drunk as a monkey,The man say's you lied to me,you said it was for Mother Superior's Bow's.

The nun looks at the man and say's it is for her Bow's,,she'll s*** a Brick when she see's me.........



lol,I thought that was funny..

Q: What did one math book say to the other?

A: Don't bother me, I've got my own problems!




Franko

readin readin reading ... ¬¬!

I have lots of jokes, I use to get spammed via E-mail with jokes...

Why E-mail Is Like a Penis

1. Some people have it, some don't.
2. Those who have it would be devastated if it were cut off.
3. It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to
get any real work done.
4. Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would
just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.
5. If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread
viruses.
6. It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours.
7. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size
and influence warrant.
8. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.
9. It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it
will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself, "Why on earth did I do
that?"
10. It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will do the
same damn dumb things it did before.

sorry 2 anyone who takes offence-hope u dont its not meant 2
You MUST read the following out loudly:

1) That's not right .......................... Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive?.............. Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP................................ Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man ................................ Dum Fuk
5) Small Horse . Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach? . Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table .............. Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8] I think you need a face lift .............. Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here .................... Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet ............. Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone . No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week ... Wai Yu Kum Nao
13) Staying out of sight ..................... Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile ............. Wa Shing Ka
15) Great .................................... Fa Kin Su Pah

A jumper cable walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
Well, "It's Not Unusual."

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy

An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

And finally, there was a person who who posted 10 puns in the hope one would make someone laugh
No pun in ten did


I have more jokes somewere but I couldnt find them

Ok, here's one


A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes in to the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years."
"I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. "
"This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey, I love you, too."

A man was sitting on a beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women were
walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No", so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said "No", so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman came to him and said "Have you ever been fucked?"
The fellow said "No",
She said "You will be when the tide comes in".

Here is mine, 9 student rules:
1. If you wan't learn - don't do this!
2. Remember how looks your teacher - enemies must recognize.
3. Don't get tired in lecture - before party you must be in good mood.
4. Use sms services per lectures.
5. Copy without any conscience.
6. Live in debt that you will never return.
7. Eat. Beer have many calories.
8. Pray, that you get good exam questions.
9. You got only one point - you must get diploma in anyhow!

How to liven up a vist to an internet cafe.

Hold mouse up to ear like a cell phone and yell "I can't hear you!!! You're going to have to speak louder!"

Play Pac Man and state to person next to you, "These new games are incredible!"

Practice 'spinning mouse mat on index finger' globe trotter routine.

Put your monitor's contrast and brightness on full. With wide open eyes yell "It's going to implode!"

Tell the cashier you wish to redeem your free 1000 hours and hand him a bag full of collected AOL promo CD's.

Typing hard and loudly looking behind you yell, "STOP MAKING ME TYPE THIS - IT WILL ONLY MAKE THINGS WORSE!"

Sit at the web terminal... without a chair.

Wheel your leather executive chair into Internet cafe and up to the computer with the largest monitor. Sit down, turn to the person next to you handing them a stack of papers, "Get these photocopied right away, the president wants them by end of day."

Direct the web cam to your exposed erect cock.

Casually look around the room for people in chat rooms, log into the same chat room and after a brief and somewhat disturbing conversation state "Your blue jeans go well with your white shirt."

Use computer's speakers to play collection of Sesame Street MP3's.

Dress up in ragged and worn clothes. Walk into an Internet cafe that uses Windows with squeegee and bucket, begin to squeegee monitors for spare change.

Draw two red lines on either end of the floor with a marker, recruit other interested racers and rev up your wheelie chairs.

Turn off the lights and have a Star Wars light sabre moment with your optical mouse. (Darth Vader sounds are encouraged for extra fun).

Show up in hand cuffs and gagged mouth. Use foot to navigate mouse and visit 'escaped fugitives guide' web site.

Put 1.44 disk in drive and have person next to you do the same. Place bets and EJECT - furthest disk is the winner!

In the middle of writing an email, turn monitor off and sigh "Ahhh not again!!!", turn monitor back on and utter "Oh thank god!". Repeat until you see concerned faces.