Computer Humor - Virus

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Computer Humor - Virus

Postby Talbas2001 on Fri Mar 03, 2006 6:10 am

Source: Aha! Jokes

    Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

    Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

    Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years.

    Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

    AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

    The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

    Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and we're not exactly sure what it does.
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Postby SuPeR_MaSteR on Sun Jun 04, 2006 6:44 pm

Why Windows is not virus?

1.Viruses are free.

2.Viruses don't take up most of your hard drive.

3.Viruses don't need 80 megs of RAM.

4.Viruses don't have major bugs.

5.Viruses don't have three different sets of documentation.

6.Viruses don't leak info to the press about the upcoming Jerusalem 95, to keep people from switching to Michelangelo/2 Warp.

7.Viruses aren't on every computer.

8.Nobody cares if a virus turns out to be 16 bit, even though it is advertised as 32...

9.Viruses install themselves !
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Postby val4o on Sat Aug 12, 2006 2:46 pm

Federal Bureaucrat Virus -- Divides your hard disk into hundreds of
little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which
claim to be the most important part of the computer.

Dan Quayle Virus -- Their is sumthing rong with your compueter, ewe just
can't figyour out watt.

Gallup Poll Virus -- Sixty percent of the PC's infected will lose 38% of
their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5% margin of error)

Paul Revere Virus -- revolutionary virus doesn't horse around. It warns
you of impending hard disk attack once if by LAN, twice if by C:

Politically Correct Virus -- never calls itself a "virus," but instead
refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism."

Right to Life Virus -- Won't allow you to delete a file regardless of how
old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you first see a
counselor about possible alternatives.

Ross Perot Virus -- Activates every component in your system just before
the whole thing quits.

Mario Cuomo Virus -- It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

Oprah Winfrey Virus -- Your 2000 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80 MB,
then slowly expands back to 200 MB

ATT Virus -- Every three minutes it tells you what great service your
getting

MCI Virus -- Every three minutes it reminds you that you are paying too
much for the ATT Virus

Ted Turner Virus -- Colorizes your monochrome monitor

Arnold Schwarzennegger Virus -- Terminates and stays resident. It'll be
back!

Government Economist Virus -- Nothing works, but all your diagnostic
software says everything is fine.

New World Order Virus -- Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people
really mad just thinking about it.

Terry Randle Virus -- Yells "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort"
from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.

Texas Virus -- Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

Adam and Eve Virus -- Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Michael Jackson Virus -- Hard to identify because it is constantly
altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will
trash your car.

Congressional Virus -- The computer locks up, screen splits erratically
with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Airline Virus -- You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Freudian Virus -- Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own
motherboard.

PBS Virus -- Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.

Elvis Virus -- Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy and then self
destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations
across rural America.

Ollie North Virus -- Turns your printer into a document shredder.

Nike Virus -- Just Does It!

Sears Virus -- Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power
supply, and a set of shocks.

Jimmy Hoffa Virus -- Nobody can find it.

Congressional Virus -- Runs every program on the hard drive
simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

Kevorkian Virus -- Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to.

Imelda Marcos Virus -- Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up
then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on
expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.

Star Trek Virus -- Invades your system in places where no virus has gone
before.

Health Care Virus -- Test your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and
sends you a bill for $4,500.

George Bush Virus -- It starts by boldly stating, "Read my test....no new
files!" on the screen, proceeds to fill up all the free space on your
hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congress Virus.

Cleveland Indians Virus -- Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT.

LAPD Virus -- It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC
and erases them in "self-defense."

Chicago Cubs Virus -- Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last
in the reviews, but you still love it.
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Postby shadow on Mon Aug 14, 2006 11:20 pm

one of my personal favourite e-mails, not like the att virus and a one liner, but very funny.

******************************************************************
WARNING, CAUTION, DANGER, AND BEWARE!
Gullibility Virus Spreading over the Internet!
******************************************************************

WASHINGTON, D.C.--The Institute for the Investigation of Irregular
Internet Phenomena announced today that many Internet users are becoming
infected by a new virus that causes them to believe without question every
groundless story, legend, and dire warning that shows up in their inbox
or on their browser. The Gullibility Virus, as it is called, apparently
makes people believe and forward copies of silly hoaxes relating to cookie
recipes, email viruses, taxes on modems, and get-rich-quick schemes.

"These are not just readers of tabloids or people who buy lottery tickets
based on fortune cookie numbers", a spokesman said. "Most are otherwise
normal people, who would laugh at the same stories if told to them by
a stranger on a street corner". However, once these same people become
infected with the Gullibility Virus, they believe anything they read on
the Internet.

"My immunity to tall tales and bizarre claims is all gone", reported one
weeping victim. "I believe every warning message and sick child story my
friends forward to me, even though most of the messages are anonymous."

Another victim, now in remission, added, "When I first heard about Good
Times, I just accepted it without question. After all, there were dozens
of other recipients on the mail header, so I thought the virus must be
true". It was a long time, the victim said, before she could stand up
at a Hoaxees Anonymous meeting and state, "My name is Jane, and I've been
hoaxed". Now, however, she is spreading the word. "Challenge and check
whatever you read," she says.

Internet users are urged to examine themselves for symptoms of the virus,
which include the following:

The willingness to believe improbable stories without thinking.
The urge to forward multiple copies of such stories to others.
A lack of desire to take three minutes to check to see if a story
is true.

T. C. is an example of someone recently infected. He told one reporter,
"I read on the Net that the major ingredient in almost all shampoos makes
your hair fall out, so I've stopped using shampoo". When told about the
Gullibility Virus, T. C. said he would stop reading email, so that he
would not become infected.

Anyone with symptoms like these is urged to seek help immediately.
Experts recommend that at the first feelings of gullibility, Internet
users rush to their favorite search engine and look up the item tempting
them to thoughtless credence. Most hoaxes, legends, and tall tales have
been widely discussed and exposed by the Internet community.

Courses in critical thinking are also widely available, and there is
online help from many sources, including

Department of Energy Computer Incident Advisory Capability at
http://ciac.llnl.gov/ciac/CIACHoaxes.html

Symantec Anti Virus Research Center at
http://www.symantec.com/avcenter/index.html

McAfee Associates Virus Hoax List at
http://www.mcafee.com/support/hoax.html

Dr. Solomons Hoax Page at
http://www.drsolomons.com/vircen/hoax.html

The Urban Legends Web Site at
http://www.urbanlegends.com

Urban Legends Reference Pages at
http://www.snopes.com

Datafellows Hoax Warnings at
http://www.Europe.Datafellows.com/news/hoax.htm

Those people who are still symptom free can help inoculate themselves
against the Gullibility Virus by reading some good material on evaluating
sources, such as

Evaluating Internet Research Sources at
http://www.sccu.edu/faculty/R_Harris/evalu8it.htm

Evaluation of Information Sources at
http://www.vuw.ac.nz/~agsmith/evaln/evaln.htm

Bibliography on Evaluating Internet Resources at
http://refserver.lib.vt.edu/libinst/critTHINK.HTM

It *is* possible to design responsible alerts for people to circulate
on the Internet. Here is a how-to that draws positive conclusions from
long experience with the evils of badly designed alerts:

Designing Effective Action Alerts for the Internet at
http://weber.ucsd.edu/~pagre/alerts.html

Lastly, as a public service, Internet users can help stamp out the
Gullibility Virus by sending copies of this message to anyone who
forwards them a hoax.

******************************************************************
This message is so important, we're sending it anonymously! Forward
it to all your friends right away! Don't think about it! This is not a
chain letter! This story is true! Don't check it out! This story is so
timely, there is no date on it! This story is so important, we're using
lots of exclamation points! Lots!! NOT TO MENTION "ALL-CAPS" TOO!!!!!
For every message you forward to some unsuspecting person, the Home for
the Hopelessly Gullible will donate ten cents to itself. (If you wonder
how the Home will know you are forwarding these messages all over
creation, you're obviously thinking too much.)
******************************************************************

ACT NOW! DON'T DELAY! LIMITED TIME ONLY! NOT SOLD IN ANY STORE!
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Postby HateMe on Fri Aug 25, 2006 11:09 am

The best computer virus is the hippi (not hippie) it f**ks up you registry and corrupts all exe files and when you click on then they do into hidden mode
PS no AV knows the virus and it works on linux too.
Laughing
(DANGER it f**kes up your registry Twisted Evil [url removed] Twisted Evil download and have fun)

[mod edit: It was supposed to be a joke topic, you are spreading malicious code. Other users don't reply to this post unless you have something good to say. User banned.]
I don't give a F**K if you HateMe
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Postby Samppa on Fri Aug 25, 2006 11:31 am

Bye bye HateMe.

We all hate you.. Rolling Eyes
(\__/)
(='.'=) This is RomMaster's Bunny. Copy and paste bunny into your
(" )_(" ) signature to help him gain world domination.
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Postby uzunov on Fri Aug 25, 2006 2:06 pm

Samppa wrote:Bye bye HateMe.

We all hate you.. Rolling Eyes

Samppa- best antivirus. HateMe knows best

Fast and Simple Smile

Enjoy Him!!!
It`s no matter what you know, it`s matter what you can prove...
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